#covid-19 – Skillfully Well & Painfully Aware

When I woke up this morning and signed into my social media feed, the first pose I saw said “‘The attitude of gratitude always creates an abundant reality’ ~ Roxana Jones” with the hashtags #gratitude #motivation #positivity #blessed. Somehow, all it made me feel was #unmotivated #negative and #irritated.

The next social media post I read this morning was the polar opposite of the first. It was about the untold cost of the lack of medical care for non-covid illnesses during the lockdown. Brutally accurate, but also triggering. In April, I was supposed to have a pain relieving nerve ablation surgery, which I’d been waiting almost a year for, but it got cancelled, like so many other surgeries and procedures. Now, it’s up in the air, and my pain is getting worse.Needless to say, after that, I felt #drained #exhausted and #depressed.

Social media is an important lifeline for people with chronic illness, and science says it’s actually good for us to use. Since few of us know other people living with illness in real life, social media offers a way to connect with other people who can actually understand what you’re going through. Being able to interact with other people when you’re stuck at home is a blessing, rather than a curse, most of the time. So it’s especially problematic if social media is managing you, rather than the other way around, during the covid19 pandemic.

The Attitude of Gratitude

I do believe that gratitude is a potent antidote to the negative self-comparisons that we all make, especially when illness takes away careers, mobility, friends and life roles.

Re-focusing instead on moments of connection, natural beauty around us, or having the basics of life, which we take for granted and are absent in so many parts of the world, does make life better. Research shows that cultivating thankfulness improves sleep patterns, benefits the immune system, deepens relationships, increases compassion, and generally improves quality of life.

But gratitude shouldn’t become another standard by which you judge yourself for succeeding or failing, or whether you have cultivated “enough” thankfulness yet. Especially right now, when our lives have been uprooted by a global pandemic.

Social media already makes us more prone to negative self-comparisons. In the era of coronavirus, images of other people’s joyful family activities, freshly baked bread, fitness achievements or motivational quotes, which are intended to be inspiring, can have the opposite effect. I feel guilty for feeling negative about positivity posts. You wonder “why aren’t I living my best pandemic life right now?” But social media can create emotional pressure that backfires, and #Motivational Monday becomes #UnmotivatedAllDay.

Remember that we can have two feelings at the same time. We can feel grateful for the sacrifices made by front-line workers, for having a roof over our heads and food on the table, and for not getting covid-19, but at the same time, also feel overwhelmed, isolated or frustrated.

I think a helpful rule of thumb, when you’re posting on social media, is to pause and reflect for a moment about whether a post could seem judgemental or preachy, or ask yourself if it portrays an idealized “perfect pandemic life.” For example, I’ve seen celebrities who say that while quarantining together they are grateful because “my husband and I haven’t even had one fight yet” or “we’re creating our favourite memories yet!” Instead, I think it’s better to balance the silver linings of the coronavirus pandemic – like reconnecting with family members – with emotional honesty about the difficulties you’re facing too. One therapist writes:

“Other popular social media posts these days encourage people stuck inside to emulate Shakespeare or Isaac Newton. According to these posts, Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a pandemic lockdown, while Newton invented calculus. These suggestions are often not very helpful.… We need to make sure we don’t push what is working for us on others. We need to use empathy more than ever right now ” (CBC).

Too Much News is Bad News: Headline Stress Disorder

Unfortunately, 2020 seem to be victim to the Chinese proverbial curse: “May you live in interesting times.” And, limiting screen time isn’t always enough to overcome the stress of negative news. Eventually, you have to check the news feed, even just to stay informed about public health updates, coronavirus lockdown restrictions, and reopening policies. This is especially important for those of us with chronic illness, who could be severely affected by coronavirus, triggering pain and exhaustion. Not only that, but knowing how and when you can get the medical care you need for your usual illnesses is vital for managing your health.

Have you heard of “Headline Stress Disorder”? Me neither, until I did some research into stress caused by reading news about social suffering. You don’t need to personally have been infected with coronavirus, or know someone who has, to feel anxious, worried or sad about how it is affecting people all over the world. It’s an unhealthy form of individualism that says “but you don’t even know those people, so why should you care?”

Headline stress occurs when “repeated media exposure to community crises [leads] to increased anxiety and heightened stress responses that can cause harmful downstream health effects, including symptoms that are similar to post-traumatic stress disorder” (Everyday Health). The constant stream of alarming news repeatedly triggers your fight-or-flight response, and the release of the stress hormone cortisol.

Media Diet: How to Navigate Social Media During Stressful Times

I found that a ‘media diet’ has helped to prevent information overload. Social media tends to be a more overwhelming place to get your news from (never mind a source of misinformation), compared to tuning in once a day to a morning news update or nightly news breakdown from a trustworthy news site. A longer format like in-depth podcast or investigative article can be less triggering than scrolling through multiple headlines and the resulting (often justifiable) outrage. Looking for good news, and stories of communities coming together, can also act as a counterweight to the negative stories.

We can be more intentional about how we use social media during this time. For example, you can join in Twitter chats or search by hashtag, such as #fibromyalgia or #spoonie, and scroll through posts on that specific topic – thereby avoiding news or pandemic-based posts. This can be a good way to maintain contact with online friends, which is often an important source of connection for people with isolating illnesses, while also preventing headline stress.

Ultimately, being self-aware while using social media is the best way to know when it’s time to sign out. It’s okay to give yourself some extra self-care after reading or hearing something upsetting in the news. We aren’t meant to be robots, and there is no right way to handle a pandemic. Sometimes just acknowledging your anxiety or stress and getting some fresh air or having a cup of tea can help you to process headline stress. There’s no stigma about talking to a therapist if you need additional support during this time.

Colino, Stacey, (April 23 2020). Everyday Health. The News Dilemma: How to Avoid TMI During a Global Pandemic

Moss, Jennifer, (April 18 2020). CBC. Feeling ungrateful or demotivated during COVID-19? Don’t feel guilty.

Right now is especially hard on those of us who are sick already. The safety nets that each person has – medical care, social support, financial security, and access to basic necessities, among others – are being sorely tested at this time. But the individual safety nets of people with chronic illness are already weakened, and when you add a pandemic, they fray even more. We have to hope and pray that they hold.

Spring. It’s a beginning. More than that, it’s a beginning that starts in the cold and the dark. In the middle of winter, it’s hard to believe spring will come. But it does. I’ve taken photos of spring flowers to remind myself of that fact. I hold on to the fact that the deep resilience and strength that everyone with a chronic illness has developed will help to get us through this time.

Physically, the risk of getting coronavirus has higher stakes for the chronically ill. Even if you are not immunocompromised, the fear of getting a terrible illness flare up, or setback is real. A cold virus once caused me debilitating fatigue for months, so of course I worry what coronavirus could do. My husband worries even more on my behalf than I do!

The financial crisis ahead will disproportionately hurt the chronically ill, who are far more likely to be underemployed or unemployed than the non-ill. I feel lucky my husband’s salary can support both of us, since I can’t work, although things in a single income family are often tight. But for years, many of those with chronic illness have lived in poverty on inadequate government disability assistance. Suddenly, the government has found the resources to give individuals who have just lost been laid off because of covid-19 as much as double the amount allocated for disability benefits.

To be clear, I don’t begrudge anyone who has recently gotten emergency government financial assistance due to coronavirus. That’s the right thing for our governments to do, and in fact, they should give more than they are. But when the chronically ill and disabled get half as much on a regular basis – an amount that is below the poverty line- it feels like our governments are saying people like us are worth half as much. Meanwhile, many are still trying to get by on the inadequate amount given as disability assistance during the lockdown without any additional supplementation.

We’re still living in an ableist world in the time of coronavirus. There’s no way that I can stand in line for half an hour or longer to buy groceries or pick up prescription refills on my bad knee. But God help you if you want schedule grocery delivery. There are no times available, for love or money. My husband is able to try and shop around his work schedule, and I’m lucky to have that help, when others are on their own. In some cases, neighbours and strangers have stepped up to help out the chronically ill who iive alone, and that increases my faith in humanity a little bit more.

Like so many, all of my appointments and procedures have been cancelled. From monthly physiotherapy that helps to bring down regular flare ups, to a long scheduled nerve ablation that is supposed to reduce my neuropathic back pain, all of these pain management tools are now on hold and I’m trying to make do the best I can.

I won’t lie, it has been harder to sleep, which triggers more flares of pain. I feel more irritable, especially if I spend too much time on the news or social media. Regulating my news diet helps to bring some of the stress down. It’s just not feasible to try to worry about every corner of the world at once!

At the moment, it seems like everyone and their grandmother are having Zoom chats with all the people they’ve ever known. If I read one more post about how wonderful all this reconnecting is I think I will get an eye twitch.

Chronic illness is isolating for most of us. When you cannot regularly meet up with friends or join community events or chit chat with neighbours at the dog park, then your social support system shrinks. I’m fortunate to have a couple of good, old friends who have stuck with me. And since I’m old school, I skype with them on occasion (sorry, zoom!).

But I’ve lost a lot of friends and family members along the way. It’s hard to think about the people who were more fair weather friends at a time like this when we could have been there for each other.

That being said, I’ve learned to embrace solitude more over the years. This is the time for distraction therapy: writing, knitting, painting or whatever creative pursuits you have wanted to try. Or maybe just appreciate the creativity of authors, actors and musicians by reading, watching shows and listening to music that you’ve wanted to check out but haven’t had time until now. Here’s a list of my favourite free distractions to help you make the most of this time, despite the pain and fatigue.

Frustratingly, I had just started going to a local library book club before the pandemic hit and had found a new local fibro group I was hoping to go to. Looking forward to book club got me through some difficult days- thinking, “well, at least I’m living a little”. Same with going out to a cafe once in awhile with an audiobook, ted talk or an online course lecture. Those small things helped me to regulate my feelings about chronic pain- counterweights of connection and enjoyment to the isolation and limitations of illness.

Now though, that’s not possible, or re-creatable. When bad days hit now, it’s hard to know what to turn to other than a lot of distraction. Fortunately, there are some excellent online support groups, like Medical Musings for Friends on Facebook, or the general chatter of #chroniclife #spoonie #chronicpain #fibromyalgia on Twitter.

I hold on to the hope that this season will pass and a new spring will bloom, when we will be able to access the treatments and supports we need again, and build the relationships we want. Now more than ever, I value the strength I’ve gained, my current relationships (IRL and virtual), and mindfulness of simple enjoyments, like spring flowers, that I can savour. I hope I can carry the intention to focus on these things into the next season, post-coronavirus. We have strength forged by surviving our illnesses, and we can trust in our own tenacity and resilience during this time. Self-compassion and kindness can also go a long way right now. We need to give ourselves a break at present, since we’re all just muddling along trying to figure this thing out the best we can, one day at a time.